don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
