i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
