Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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