She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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