you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
