there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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