1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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