Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
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