my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Life is so much better after having sex.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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