apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
