Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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