shes about as inviting as chlamydia
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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