They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
