I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
