Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
