eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
