thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
