I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
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