I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
