I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
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I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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