i permit you to call me
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
