i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Terrible idea I love it
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
