I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
