im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
