And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
