I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
