Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
