We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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