Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
