don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
