found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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