dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
