I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
