If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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