Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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