Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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