I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
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she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
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...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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