: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
