I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
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I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
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And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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