I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Randomize
