I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
my nose is crying tears of wow.
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