why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
