god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
