My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just cut my nipple shaving
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
