Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
