then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I can't turn off my feet"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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