idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
