If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My vagina is officially offended.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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