you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
