I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
