I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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