I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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